Style Conversational Week 1292: Go for a glorious glut of limericks
The Style Invitational Empress discusses this week’s new contest and
results
Glenn Close, cigarless, with chin held proudly. See Bob Staake’s
caricature in this week’s Style Invitational at wapo.st/invite1292.
(Presley Ann/Getty Images)
By
Pat Myers
close
Image without a caption
Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
Email
Email
Bio
Bio
Follow
Follow
August 9, 2018 at 3:19 p.m. EDT
Yay, Week 1292 is Limerixicon Week, a.k.a.
Week When I Don’t Have to Come Up With a New Contest Idea Week. Style
Invitational limerick contests always draw lots of entries, usually from
quite a few newbies as well as the confirmed Loserbards. And since our
“Get Your ’Rick Rolling ” guidelines are
already out there, I’ll instead just share some limericks from early
Invite contests that I found when searching for an example for this
week’s, which have to prominently feature a word beginning with gl- to go-.
I’m delighted to give an annual shout-out toOEDILF.com,
Chris Strolin’s herculean project to make a whole
dictionary in which each entry is in the form of a limerick, often
multiple limericks. On the other hand, /my/ herculean project is to put
up funny/clever stuff each week from y’all that readers will enjoy. And
so I don’t really care if the limerick defines the word, or uses
someone’s first name as the word, etc. I do, however, want to keep
closely enough to the spirit of the contest that the word in question
doesn’t appear merely in passing.
In the first limerick below, for instance, which was written to feature
“daughter,” “glance” is a strongly accented word at the end of a line,
and I’d call that valid for this week (were it not already published,
that is; entries need to be new material). What I hope I don’t get is
the limerick that, say, has the line “I’m going to pull out my hair!”
and then is labeled as an entry for “going.”
Like a lamb being led to the slaughter
Or a clam in the hands of an otter,
I haven’t a chance
When she gives me that*glance:*
Yes, alas, I’m a dad with a daughter.
(Mike Dailey, Week 777, “da-” words)
There was a young lady of Tottenham
Whose blouses contained quite a lottenham,
So the men on her street
Prayed to *God* for more heat,
Since she stripped off those blouses when hottenham.
(David Alan Brooks, Week 624, be-/bl)
At Oxford, Bill Clinton dug classes,
The campus, the culture, the lasses.
When he told us a tale
(”Ah didn’t inhale”),
He was looking through Rhodes-scholared *glasses.
*(A classic from Chris Doyle, winner of Week 674, ca-)
Since*God* is all-knowing, He can
See beforehand what destiny man
In the end must fulfill,
So I had no free will
When I slept with your sister Joanne.
(Chris Doyle, Week 678, Limerick Smackdown: explain a philosophical
concept — free will),
If complacency strikes, you may find
That you’re not the industrious kind.
Though your life could be better,
You’re not a *go-getter.*
But so what? It’s okay, you don’t mind.
(John Shea, Week 726, cl-/co-)
At the precinct, I stopped up the flow on
All the urinals, toilets and so on.
But they’ve none to accuse.
As I left them no clues —
And the cops have got nothing to*go* on.
(Scott Campisi, Week 726)
The competition may be easier this time around because it probably won’t
include any entries from the incomparable limericist and 333-time Loser
Mae Scanlan,
author of the “Close but no cigar” verse that I ended up choosing for
this week’s example. Mae has to go in for a nasty medical procedure this
weekend, one that her doctors probably will not reschedule even though
this week /is the limerick contest, /for Pete’s sake. We’ll be thinking
of you, Mae.
*FOR IMMATURE AUDIENCES ONLY*: THE PRODUCT WARNINGS OF WEEK 1288:*
/*Non-inking headline (didn’t fit in the space, even for honorable
mentions) by Tom Witte/
“For The Style Invitational: ‘The Washington Post is not responsible for
entrants suffering other people’s envy, their fearful stares, or their
curious looks. Sometimes, the head-wagging of acquaintances may occur.
Audible sighs from puzzled readers have been reported. In extreme cases,
readers may mistake published bits as the writer’s autobiography in
installments. Should an entrant suffer such an episode, he or she should
immediately consult the Empress. She will document it in the Style
Conversational, further embarrassing said humorist. Now, do you still
want to enter?’ ”
The above entry for Week 1288 gets no Invite
ink for (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.), but at least he gets a chance
to share the woes of his personal life in this column, as he so often
does in the 246 blots of ink that surely constitute a confessional
memoir. Even though he lives in the greater Washington area, Lawrence
remains the highest-scoring Loser never to have shown up at an
Invitational event, so I’m glad that he’s getting all that
Invite-attention elsewhere.
I received plenty of good entries for the contest for disclaimers and
product warnings in this week’s contest, most of them spoofing the tone
of the real ones that we see on so many labels and ads, and all 35
inking entries (from 22 people) fit on the print page this week.
While this week’s top three Losers are all swimming in Invite ink over
the years — Lose Cannoneer Danielle Nowlin wins the contest for the 12th
time, and Gary Crockett and Dudley Thompson are perennial denizens of
the Losers’ Circle — their combined ink of 813 blots is barely half that
of this week’s fourth-place finisher: Russell Beland scores his 1,531st
(and 1,532nd) ink, what I think is his first “above the fold” since June
2011. So his new Grossery Bag or Loser Mug can join his 126 other
runner-up prizes, not to mention the swag for his 32 wins (his first was
in Week 121, 1995).
*What Doug Dug: * The faves this week of Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood
came from the honorable mentions:
“My paycheck: ‘Warning: Contains peanuts.’ ” (Jesse Frankovich)
Camping toilet: “Do NOT void where prohibited” (Kevin Dopart; Chris Doyle)
On an infant: “Do not refrigerate; however, product may be spoiled while
in care of grandparents.” (Dudley Thompson)
Pen: “May not necessarily prevail in a swordfight.” (Tom Witte)
When reading the Invite yesterday, Doug reminded me of something we do
need to keep in mind: Suppose, he said, there were a terrible plane
crash between now and Sunday . . . And so while I thought we could risk
running Russell Beland’s aircraft disclaimer, I did tame Russell’s
“spreading debris and charred body remains over multiple acres” to
“spreading its contents . . .” But still, let’s keep our fingers crossed.
(I did /not, /however, run this one, by Kevin Dopart: “Paper clip: ‘Not
recommended for use in Overturned Roe v. Wade dioramas.’ ”) Even though
he said it /wasn’t/ recommended.
Some people sent in actual silly warnings they’ve seen on products;
“Caution: Contains nuts” on a bag of nuts; “Side effects include
drowsiness” in a commercial for sleeping medicine (but really, a /side/
effect?).
*’FESTERING IN FREDERICK THIS WEEKEND *
This weekend, Friday through Sunday, a dozen or so Losers and various
auxiliaries will be infesting various historic sites, restaurants and
other town spaces in this year’s Loserfest in Frederick, Md., about 50
miles north of Washington — close enough for most D.C. area folks to
make a day trip of it, as the Royal Consort and I will be doing on
Saturday (some people are staying in hotels). If you’d like to join us
for some of the many activities scheduled by Loserfest Pope (and
Frederick resident) Kyle Hendrickson, first go to Loserfest.org
and click on the “fungenda”; Kyle has tweaked
the schedule since posting on the website, but it’ll give you an idea,
and then you should contact Kyle at loserfestpope [at] gmail [dot] com
to find the real details. The restaurant reservations are probably set,
but there are lots of other activities that don’t need rezzes. So I hope
to see some of you at perhaps the Monocacy National Battlefield, the
promised-to-be-fascinating Civil War Medicine Museum, lunch at JoJo’s,
shopping at the “Boutique & Crap Prize Shops” in the historic downtown
area; watching the old-fashioned giant-wheel bicycles race down the
street; strolling along the Carroll Creek park with itsnifty trompe
l’oeil paintings
in
the underpass; and an early dinner at White Rabbit Gastropub. And those
are just some of the options; there’s also an escape room on Saturday, a
wine festival on Sunday, and more. Pope Kyle does not rest.
And now it’s time to start talking in Hickory-Dickory-Dock rhythm ...